So. Back at school. I am so back at school. And locked in for the most part. In a big way. I did a big social media cutback yesterday and have been wayyy bored since. No more Instagram, Twitter, Tik Tok, or dating apps. Basically any app on my phone that I opened when I was bored is now gone. Whenever I’ve felt bored, my instinct has never been to do something productive. My instinct has been to do something easy and painless that alleviates the boredom immediately. That’s for the weak and the bad. We’re doing productive boredness now folks. Spurring ourselves into action via a lack of other options!

I am going through antidepressant withdrawal. The most egregious symptom of this is something called “brain zaps” which just feels like a little electric shock in your brain every now and then. It’s harmless apparently, but terrifying nonetheless. And “brain zaps” certainly don’t sound harmless, so I think you can imagine to what extent they feel harmless as well. Nevertheless, we up, except for when I’m too lightheaded to be up in which case; we laying.

Wow am I procrastinating. I’ve been extraordinarily productive, more than I have been all year, but man I am procrastinating too. I have a huge application due in 10 days that I haven’t started yet. Worrying. But the space key on my keyboard barely works so it’s infuriating to type (which I’m doing right now through gritted teeth). Hopefully that last part is a problem that will resolve on its own. Procrastination rarely resolves on its own. Alas.

I love writing, though. I’ve been a little self-conscious about a myriad of things lately, which has metastasized into my view of my own intelligence as well. It’s not really based on any empirical evidence. I’m a good student. I know I’m smart. I also know that I’m smart in ways not a lot of people are. But sometimes, people in my life just act like they’re smarter than me. These are people who don’t know my grades and who don’t read my work. They just assume that they’re smarter than me because of … I don’t know, the way I carry myself? I don’t know. I don’t mind being underestimated, or at least I haven’t in the past. But now, I’m getting to a point in my life where people’s appraisals of you seem to matter more. I’m worth a good appraisal, to put it bluntly. I don’t know why people don’t immediately associate me with being smart! I’m, of course, leaving myself open to the fact that I might actually not be that smart at all, which is entirely plausible. But. Like. My report card speaks for itself I guess.